Adulting in 2020 Pt. 2
2020.11 Meditate Daily
Why this matters: Meditation can be framed in many ways. For some it’s a religious act, for some it’s the trendy thing to do, for others it’s when you are supposed to clear your mind and not think about anything and yet all those thoughts just won’t go away, but for me it’s a moment to be with myself.
Whether or not my mind goes quiet is not a big deal. I know that over time, the more often I sit with myself and provide space for all my jumbled thoughts and feelings to air out, the less they will need to be heard and the more I can just be.
If we never give ourselves time to check in with our inner mumbo-jumbo, then the moment we do, every part of us is vying for our attention with something to say. Once we meditate consistently, we develop a predictable time for the expression of all our parts and they no longer are screaming at us once we do tune in.
The more they quiet down, the more we can simply be with ourselves and the more connected we feel. It’s this feeling of oneness and being-ness that we seek when we meditate. No need to force things, just practice.
What you can do:
- Meditate the same time every day. This consistency will create routine and stability. If this seems impossible for you, do the impossible 😉
- Create further predictability by meditating for the same amount of time, in the same place, and with the same music (if you so chose). Once you establish a good groove, then mix it up, but make it a habit first
- Forget that you are meditating. Just sit quietly and focus on one thing. This could be knitting, using a fidget spinner, braiding, twirling, petting an animal, etc. The action doesn’t matter so long as you can do it over and over again, getting into a rhythm that requires intense focus and synchronicity, keeping you in the present moment
- Realize that meditation can pour over into your daily life. I love that moment when all of the members in my row boat sync up and move at the exact. same. time. This consistency requires ultimate focus and allows my mind to think of nothing else. This is a form of meditation, a moment when our oneness is so undeniable
- Write down all of your thoughts, todos, worries and so on before you begin your meditation. This might help you finally focus
Note: Sometimes we have so many thoughts because we are afraid of who we might meet when we turn within. Maybe there are emotions in there that we do not want to feel. Maybe there is a piece of truth we do not want to acknowledge. Maybe you might find out you don’t like you who have become. Thus we drown out our inner voice with pointless chatter and then get mad because it won’t go away. Are you sure you want it to go away? Are you sure you want to be present? What will you discover when you go within?
Resources:
2020.12 Have Gratitude 🙏
Why this matters: With so much provided for us each day by our own hard work and that of others, it is vital to take time to feel thankful.
The natural energy of life is an ebb and flow. Just like the push and pull of an ocean wave, we give and we receive. Part of giving is working hard and being generous. To receive means to recognize and accept what has been given to you. Even the ‘bad’ things.
When we give and give or take and take without the other half of the transaction, our lives fall out of balance. We become depleted either way — from too much giving or too much taking.
Gratitude is required for a balanced life.
What you can do:
- There are many ways to express gratitude towards others and yourself. Check out the lists in the articles below. My favorite way is with kindness cards — postcards with a nice messages and images on them. I write a small note and then leave it somewhere for a friend or stranger. I think it is important to express gratitude towards those you know and those who have positively impacted your day without knowing it
- My other favorite way is by expressing gratitude towards myself. I have affirmation window stickers that I put on my water bottles, windows, and mirrors. Everyday I read them, such as the one in my bathroom that says ‘Self Love” and they remind me to appreciate myself
- Look in the mirror and smile. You are an amazing creation. Be grateful for everyday that you have by appreciating all that you are. (This is one I have to keep working on)
Resources:
2020.13 Be Proactive ✔️
Why this matters: Every single moment is a chance to empower yourself or give your power away. When something happens that takes away your power and makes you upset, you gave that power away by allowing it to upset you.
This doesn’t mean nothing can ever upset you, but if it really gets under your skin and you rant and rave about it, yet never do anything in response to the situation, you have given your power away.
By being proactive and advocating for yourself when things go south, you can keep your power. Now, this kind of power is not the kind that you think of when you think of “people who crave power” — the evil leader kind. Instead it’s the power that is inherent to you — your confidence, your stride, your smile, your self respect, etc. Things that you can give to yourself or give away to others.
How do you know you have this power?
Let’s say someone calls you a name. You hear their words and turn bright red. You are embarrassed and want to crawl into a hole. Or you lash out and call them a name in return. You have given your power away.
Now, let’s say you hear their words. Stop and think and realize what they say isn’t true. You brush it off and move on truly knowing you are wonderful. You kept your power.
Alternatively, you stop and think and know there is truth in what they say. Then you turn to them and say “Thank you for that feedback. I will do better next time.” They will be in shock and you will still have your power. 💪🏼 💪🏾
Keeping your power requires you to be proactive and present in your life. You need to be aware and respond rather than react to what is going on. When you react, you give your power away. By thinking ahead and taking initiative, you give yourself the freedom of choice. You get to be in your power and life molds into what you want it to be.
What you can do:
- If you feel disempowered, a victim, like to throw pity parties or are evil leader power hungry, heal your old wounds. {You empowered} is probably fiercely in charge of your own life and not others. You know you can do anything and go get what you want through your own will, not by manipulating or degrading others. Counseling, meditation, or getting other professional help could be helpful
- Apologize for past mistakes or meanness
- Recognize your own faults before others have to
- Ask for a raise. Empowerment isn’t just about moments when you need to reclaim your power, it’s also about giving yourself more power — going after what you want and asking for more (Just remember No12)
- Your proactive initiative can play out in other tangible ways too, such as resetting your passwords, organizing your files, making a budget, cleaning house. Disorganization is another great way we give away our power. You lose time and energy and thus power by searching for lost items, forgetting to do things, or increasing your chances of a negative occurrence such as a disease or critical stage cancer by noticing something wrong with your body but not going to a doctor
- Call someone out in the most respectful way when they cut in front of you in line
- Ask someone to say “Excuse me” or “Sorry” when they do something rude
Story: I was flying cross-country and wanted to lean my seat back and sleep. Before we took off, I turned around and asked the woman behind me if I could lean my seat back. She looked shocked and said yes. Then she proceeded to say “In many years of flying, I have never had someone ask me that.”
Not only was I being intentional in my asking so I made sure I could lean my seat back and get the sleep I needed, but I also was intentionally considerate of her. I didn’t want to lean back and crush laptops or spill drinks. It happens.
By being proactive, I was able to give myself what I needed without taking anything away from someone else.
People have a hard time empowering themselves and keeping their power. Instead they give it away, think someone is taking it from them, and then slyly try to take it back by acting entitled to that which they actively gave away.
You are entitled to it. So keep it and if you do accidentally give it away, know how to respectfully get it back without trying to take power from others. In fact, the best option is to reclaim your power while empowering others/reminding other of their power at the same time. ⭐️
Resources:
2020.14 Lead Through Small Acts
Why this matters: When I was in business school I noticed how everyone wanted the fast track to CEO. They had to get the job, the internship, the right leg up on others that would get them into the C-suite.
I fell into that trap by applying to MBA programs without having a sense of direction or purpose. I just wanted to check the boxes that I thought would get me closer to “success”.
Leadership is not about checking boxes. In fact, if someone puts you in a leadership position strictly because of where you went to school or the companies you’ve worked for rather than your character and abilities, I would run. Not to say you can’t do it, but it means the company culture values fluff rather than true leadership skills.
In our “Start a Billion Dollar Company When You Are 19” society, we forget leadership is developed through small daily acts — acts of hard work, consideration, execution, creativity, and more. And making it to the C-suite also does not mean you are a leader. You can be a really good leader and conduct a train, or pick up people’s trash, bake donuts, or be a flight attendant.
With out-of-wack values, we don’t always reward those with the best leadership skills with the biggest title and paycheck. Bare that in mind.
What you can do:
- Remember, small acts. Offer help. Suggest a new way of doing something. Find a problem to solve. Offer to teach someone something new. Be nice
- Ask people above, horizontal to, and below you how you can help them grow in their career
- Lead by example. Your family, friends, and relations are watching you. Be a decent person in small ways. Hold doors, smile, show respect. Proactively go out of your way to make someone’s life better
Leadership is not about being out in front, it’s about setting a high personal bar and keeping your integrity even when you don’t think it matters
Resources:
- Buy (I was given several of John’s books 📚 when I was 10 and I’ve been reading them since. They were exactly what I needed to read at the young age to help me develop into something cool)
- Read
- Travel (Although the company has been rebranded, I went on several leadership-focused trips in middle school and always came back a better person)
2020.15 Prepare & Plan Ahead
Why this matters: There are many things I could address here.
What are we preparing for?
What do we need to plan?
Well, everything.
In my opinion it is so valuable to plan and prepare your day, your career, your life, your death, your next move, your goals, your next road trip, your next meal, your next child’s birth, and so on.
By making a plan and pulling all the pieces together you are more likely to achieve your goals, save resources and time, and look like a total bada** Super Hero while everyone asks “How do they do it all?”.
I feel like it is hard to emphasize how important this point is as it seems super obvious however how many times have you been freaked out because you were running late to an important meeting, or felt anxiety because you didn’t know what you were going to say on your slides, or weren’t sure if last night’s good time would result in your first child, or going gray while trying to go through miles of files and paperwork to figure out a loved one’s estate after they passed away?
These situations that stress us out and set us back from our goals all derive from someone’s lack of planning and preparation.
If you want to be successful, you have to plan for success.
What you can do:
- Create a system for planning. A todo list, a family calendar, an app, sticky notes, your favorite pen, alarms — whatever you need to create structure. For me, I have a paper planner and an online calendar and put everything in both places
- Make a vision board. I ❤️ vision boards. I get to put all my goals, desired trips, and future purchases on a board and then work hard to obtain those things. You can tuck this away and pull it out later to be surprised by how much you have gotten done. Or you can keep it out in front and be driven by the visual reminders. I’ve done both. It’s always so fun to see all I have accomplished by setting goals
- Pick one page from a journal for each month 📒and write down everything you want to get done in that month. Check on it on a daily basis and then be proactive in planning steps to get those goals done by breaking the goal into small steps and then breaking each small step down into todos. By looking at your todos it should be very clear how you are going to get from here to there, from starting to successful. Then constantly check in with your plan as a temperature check on how your progress is going.
- Set your alarms wisely. Have backup ones. Set them for waking up, getting ready for bed, taking pills, taking breaks, and 10 minutes before important calls or meetings
- Bullet journal if that’s your thing. The flexibility of the bullet journal can be a great thing. Let’s say your goal is to drink 60oz everyday. Make a space in your journal to mark off boxes each day for your water consumption. This is you preparing to meet your goal. Then set an alarm at a certain time each day to sit down and complete your journal. For this goal in particular, you might want the alarm to be at the end of every other hour so you can get that next 8oz down and check another box. Set your systems up wisely so you can have success. This is the value of planning and preparing
- Do a life assessment. Where are you in life? How old are you? What is your next step — big career move, new house, retirement? Start planning for this next move, and if you really want to set yourself up well, plan for all of these things. That sounds like a lot, but the truth is we are all going to die, we are all going to get old, we are all going to need a place to live so plan for these present or future events so you are not panicking when they arrive. This guide might help 🤗
Story: I know many people who are a few years from retirement age who do not have money saved for retirement and who are not working — by their own choice, no disability or other condition is preventing them from doing so.
Um, what?!
Why are you putting yourself in this situation?
For these particular individuals, they seem to like victimhood and often disempower themselves and those who feel sorry for them. They are giving away their own power (see No13) by not planning and preparing for their life in the future. On top of that, they do not take care of themselves from a health standpoint and could be digging an even bigger hole if their current unhealthy body causes issues for them later on during those retirement years. By that point they won’t have any money to take care of themselves then either. Start adulting. Start taking care of yourself. Start planning.
Give yourself a promotion and start being the Project Manager of your own life
Resources:
2020.16 Hold People Accountable
Why this matters: There have been and will be so many moments in your life when negative things will happen or people will say things that you do not agree with or are hurtful. When that happens you need to hold them accountable.
Not only does it tell them their behavior is not okay, but you are not enabling their bad habits. You stand up for your own boundaries and establish trust within yourself by showing yourself that you are there to protect yourself and your values. You also help others grow by aiding them in keeping their promises and holding them to higher standards of behavior.
When they do follow through or make a change, recognize that as well. That positive feedback can be a driver for their continuous change. If they are not ready to be held accountable they will usually react poorly and may distance themselves. That’s fine. It is not your job to change them, but your job to keep your standards high and keep your life clean from broken boundaries and promises.
What you can do:
- Be in tune with your goals, your feelings, and your values. When something goes against one of these ask what do you need to do differently and what do you need to ask someone else to do differently. Then change your behavior and/or ask them to change theirs.
- Speak up. So many people are scared of confronting others or talking in a public space. They become shy or defensive. I have no qualms with doing either. Why? Because when I was scared sh**less I made myself do it anyway. In fact, just last week I spoke live in front of thousands of people and was broadcasted all over the world. I was absolutely terrified and I didn’t have to do it, but when the opportunity presented itself, I knew if I did it I wouldn’t be as scared of it next time and would be able to know that doing so is within my capabilities. I’ve grown so much just by that one moment. WOW 😲! So if you are scared of telling your spouse or parent or boss that you do not like the way they treat you, but you don’t like the way they treat you — GO DO IT! You have to live with yourself for every. single. moment of your life. Are you going to be there for yourself or are you going to let people push you around? They don’t matter when it comes to the business of you. You come first 💯
- List all of the memories you have of people doing things you didn’t like and what you did next — did you sit back, ignore it, move on, yell at them, call them names, etc. Then write down what they did again and rewrite how you could have responded to them while sticking up for yourself, holding them accountable for their poor behavior, and keeping yourself safe with healthy boundaries
Resources:
2020.17 Seek Feedback
Why this matters: This is the equivalent of saying hold yourself accountable.
Just as much as you need to hold others accountable, you need to hold you accountable. You cannot count on others holding you accountable so do this for yourself.
Asking for feedback is a great way to do this. Ask for anything from anyone. You could ask the store clerk what they thought of your exchange or the waiter how much they enjoyed having you as patrons. On the other end, you could ask your kids what they think of you as a parent (and then be ready to take their feedback and implement it seriously) or your co-worker what they think of your work ethic. There are so many specific things you can ask about or ask for someone’s overall impression of you.
Seeking feedback is a great way to gather items to focus on when trying to improve yourself. If you don’t have goals for the new year yet, ask someone for feedback and they’ll make your list for you 😂. Strangers in particular are great people to ask if you want clean feedback as they have no investment or emotional tie to you and your approval, unless they are hoping for you to pay them in some form such as a waiter before you have paid the bill.
Lastly, remember that the best feedback may not be the feedback that makes you glow and feel fuzzy inside. Take each piece of feedback and really think on it. Is this the person’s perception of me and a one-off situation or am I really like this all the time and need to work on this better.
Story: I know someone who always got good feedback from their team and employees. But their spouse and immediate family would tell them that there were things they didn’t enjoy about this person. This person would write it off and say “You’re just so picky. Everyone at work loves me. Get off my case.” and so forth. In thinking about how they get two very different kinds of feedback from their home versus their work, I analyzed deeper. I cannot verify this, but in taking their personality and a few other bits of employee commentary into account it seems that their employees were too afraid to tell them what they really thought about this person and where blowing shiny smoke in their face so this person wouldn’t lash out at them or possibly even fire them. The feedback they got at home was more accurate and yet it was the feedback they were brushing off. If everyone had given truthful feedback, this person would only be hearing the narrative that they have some work to do around how they show up and treat people. But people were too afraid of their poor behavior to tell them (and hold them accountable) for behaving poorly.
What you can do:
- When you do ask for the feedback there are many ways to do so. You could approach someone and say “I am working on __X__ and would love to hear your opinion on how I’m doing so far”. You could have feedback baked into your normal life by scheduling check ins with people you really want feedback from, etc. Either way, make it something you actively seek out
- Have a list of 5 people whose values you align with or who you admire and want to be like and regularly check in with them
- Align the feedback you seek to the things you are trying to get better at
- Make a feedback box and leave it on your desk 🚮
- Tell people what you are working on and invite them to politely help you stick to it
- If there is someone you are seeking feedback from and they don’t give it to you, then ask them for it. If they can’t provide it start asking questions. Are they not paying attention to what you are doing? Do they not care about you? Are they even aware of what you are doing/how you behave? Maybe it’s time to start tooting your horn 📯and tell them all you do so you can get feedback on it. Simultaneously, get good at giving others feedback. AND be sure to implement feedback once you get it. No one wants to give feedback and watch you pour it down the sink with your cold cup of coffee.
Resources:
2020.18 Think Things Through
Why this matters: Many of these steps relate to each other and are the building blocks of a healthy life. This one in particular goes well with No13 & No15.
Be proactive, prepare, and plan by thinking things through
I’m harping on this point, but I really want you to internalize the value of taking time to think things through and plan out the life that you want.
I don’t know if having multiple lives is a thing, so we’ll assume not.
If you only have this one life, which goes by so quickly, what are you going to make of it? What footprints will you leave? How will others remember you? MLK isn’t celebrated and remembered simply because a little boy named Martin was born. There are many boys, many Martins, many humans on this planet. He is remembered because he had a dream and did all he could to make it come true.
What dreams do you have and to what length will you go to make it come true? Start thinking these things through. Put in the work and get started crafting your ideal life.
Now, ideal doesn’t mean everything is perfect, nothing bad happens, the plan always comes to fruition, etc. It means that you got pretty close to it or it’s even better than you could have planned because of the value you get from the random ‘bad’ things that do happen.
What you can do:
- Set goals
- Identity problems. Plan to solve them
- Get mad about something. If you don’t have pain points, you’re probably being complacent, playing it safe, emotionally numb, or acting like a victim. — Sure, you can do that. But when the moment comes when you want to reclaim your power, get mad about how you could ever dare to give your power away and let that anger spark a fire under you and drive you to do the work of a better life
- When planning something, imagine yourself going through all of the necessary steps. Does it make sense? Am I making the best use of my resources? Is there another way to get from A to B? What other assets do I have use of? Can I take a step back to get me two steps forward instead of just one? (see below for an example)
- Take a holistic view of your life when thinking about what you want and how productive you are being in obtaining it. For Example: Let’s say your goal is to be very conservative with your money and only buy what you need because you want to save your spare change for something else. You also like nice shoes and only buy ones you think will last awhile. Now you live in an area where it rains a lot and the streets get muddy often. When you get off work, you are trying to get home quickly so you splash through puddles and mud to get to your car. Chances are your nice shoes are dirty and after many times of this, will fall apart faster. You will have to shell out more money for a new pair of those nice shoes you are planning to use for a really long time. This is an unproductive cycle and derails you from your goals. If you only took a step back and analyzed the conditions of your life holistically, you would recognize your financial goals, your desire for nice things that last, and the normal weather conditions. Then you would make it a point to keep a pair of durable rain boots in your office, check outside before you leave, and then change your shoes and slip your YSL cowhide loafers 👞👠into a case and tuck them into your bag. Done. Shoes safe, money saved, boss status reached. — Remember how leadership is developed through small acts — well so is success and productivity
Analyze and think through the small things
- Develop an analytical mindset that you can pull out in times when you need to assess how you are going about your life or one segment of it
- Become a critical thinker. How do I do that? Well, asking that question is a good start. I developed many of these skills by prepping for case studies. Here is a great resource for that.
Resources:
2020.19 Take Risks
Why this matters: Is there anything you are afraid of? Do those things keep you from chasing dreams, keep you playing small? Then take a risk.
See if what you think might happen really ends up happening. Do you actually fail? Do they actually get mad? And if so, does it actually affect you as much as you thought it would. Do you still want to buy into this fear as much as you have been or does the thrill of knowing there is more you can do excite you to push on?
I think playing big and empowering yourself to be all you can be is one of humanity’s biggest fears. It was mine for a long time.
But by taking risk after risk and learning more about how to deal with the very few poor reactions to those many risks, I can handle it a lot better and really want to see where my limit is because as I push what I think is my limit, my limit keeps changing.
What you can do:
- Find something you are scared of doing and do it, think of something you are afraid of saying and say it
Resources:
2020.20 Get Good Sleep
Why this matters: So many people are going to laugh that I am saying this because I have been the QUEEN of no sleep, but you need your rest.
Normally, I sleep 3–4 hours per night. I love maximizing my time each day and pushing myself to get as much done as possible. It’s a thrill for me and I feel highly accomplished.
However, when I have long stints of not getting enough sleep, I often end up getting really sick once I do slow down and then that slows me down even more and puts my into veg mode. 🛋🥔
I’m slowly learning that I can consider myself successful and allow myself to get more than four or five hours of sleep. In fact, right now I am really enjoying sleeping in and getting my 7 or 8 hours and I am still successful.
Your sleep can correlate with your success but it is not the ultimate factor. Minimal sleep is not a badge to be worn like a battle scar. So get your sleep. 💤
If it feels like no matter what, your day does not allow you to sleep, reassess your life. There is always a way when there is a will. Maybe you need your partner to pitch in more, or you need to move closer to work so your commute is shorter, or you need to shut off the tv and simply go to bed. Look at all you do in a day and I bet you can find the time.
Over sleeping? That can be unhealthy as well. Look at your diet, motivation, and environment — social and physical. Are you enjoying your life? Are you avoiding feelings or unhappiness through sleep? Is there a health condition you need to get professional help with?
What you can do:
- Take a deep look at your routine. Do you wake up and go to sleep at the same time each night? Do you do the same things each time to signal to your body that it’s time to settle in for the night. Make a routine that is relaxing and natural
- Make a rule for electronics and TVs in the bedroom. I keep all work out of my room. I need to do a better job of including my phone in that rule and using a normal alarm clock. Not only is the light disruptive, but the energy of work is not the energy I want in the room when I am trying to calm down and sleep
- Good pjs, good pillows and sheets, good bed, good blinds, good alarm clock — realistically, everything else in your room can go. Maybe a reading light and a good book or music player
- Have a room that you love! Make your bedroom a place where you want to go and spend a good amount of time. Buy nice furniture that you love looking at. Choose peaceful colors and keep it decluttered. If possible, move all other things out of the room.
- Create a routine for entering your room. Leave all the junk from the day, your house, your family, etc at the door. Take some deep breaths, center yourself, shake things off, think of something relaxing and walk into your room with a sound mind. Be protective of the space and don’t let fights, chaos, messes, or negative people into your room. — You could apply that to your home as well.
Resources:
